I. Now it happened in the reign of Jenkins the Mighty, even on the Ides of May, that there was nothing doing in that mighty (?) body, the State College Men¹. And the K.U. Men² wept abundantly thereat, for behold, were they not anxious for a battle³?

II. Straightaway there arose one of the K.U. men who was a valiant warrior, likewise a mighty man of valor. And he was called "A.K.H.," which is, being interpreted, a seint⁴. And he lifted up his voice and cried, "Lo, let us go up to battle with the S.C. men, for verily they are cowards. Let us clothes ourselves in spotless raiment⁵ and take therewith a mighty cymbal⁶ as a challenge to the muckers⁷. For by so doing we will become the pride of the Faculty⁸."

III. Thus spoke "A.K.H.," and they gave him the yell⁹. And all the K.U. men cried as with one voice, "It shall be so," And lo, it was so.

IV. For it was about the first hour of the 20th day, and behold all the K.U. men, except Yancey¹⁰, were on the spot ready for the going up to S.C.

V. And it came to pass that "A.K.H." and his host invaded South Limestone¹¹, and moreover, there was none to molest or make them afraid.

VI. And immediately a great shout went up, like unto the College yells¹² at a football game¹³, and it was for a challenge to S.C.; but as yet there was none to answer, and they made merry with songs and music.¹⁴

VII. Now was there terror in the hearts of all the S.C. men; even as there is before an exam¹⁵ in math. For unless there was something doing the reputation would be as naught, even as that of the basket ball team¹⁶.

VIII. And Frye summoned together all the high priest and henchmen of S.C. and said, "Lo, let us take a fast line freight to the timbers and hide there until this trouble cease," for he had met Barger¹⁷ the afternoon of the day before¹⁸, even on the base ball field and he waxed sore afraid¹⁹. But they answered him and said, "Go to, thou art a quitter²⁰." And he was squelched²¹.

IX. And at last a certain knight called Downing arose and spoke saying: "There is yet one way to be saved. I have a graft²² with the Major, and lo, I will avail myself to it."

X. Thereupon Downing the Knight sent to the Major, saying, "The K.U. men are occupying South Limestone, even that part lying directly in advance of our gates, and moreover, they are clad in sheets; yea, they carry a dinner bell. Therefore, come thou over to us, thou and thy cadets, and we will go down unto them, so they will come down from South Limestone and thus will our reputation²³ be saved.

XI. And the Major was greatly moved, and summoning the cadets, even to the number of 300 souls²⁴, he arose and went down unto the K.U. men.

XII. And lo, when the K.U. men saw the hosts appearing, even the S.C. men, they were burning for battle. Then "A.K.H." the Saint called in a loud voice, saying, "Oh, noble K.U, cut it out²⁵. For verily we of K.U. wish to save the S.C. men from utter destruction, therefore, vent not your wrath upon them, but let them exist till next Thanksgiving Day²⁶. And as a reward for our generosity the Faculty will finish, the new library²⁷."

XIII. Then the K.U. men hearkened unto the words of "A.K.H." the Saint and they said, "Lo, we will arise and go to the Phoenix²⁸."

XIV. Thereupon, after counting 11 times and leaving the dinner bell as a touching momento, they arose and came down in great numbers from South Limestone.

XV. And it came to pass that all the K.U. men went down to the Phoenix and ordered a glass of water and a toothpick²⁹ and made merry over their great victory. And the S.C. men said one to another, 'Hosanna to A.K.H. the Saint! For lo, he is our salvation! Hereafter we will never roast³⁰ the Bibes; no, never!"

29. A two-course banquet common in K.U. circles
30. Exact meaning not clear.

XVI. And the Faculty of K.U. said, "Let these mighty deeds of the K.U. men be placed on parchment and be kept for the instruction of the Preps."

XVII. So here it is - Selah³¹